birthday update coming soon, then the big move....

http://lisagrowsup.blogspot.com

the holiday weekend was most enjoyable for me. saturday night i took a brisk walk down to rosenblatt stadium (home of the college world series) to watch the fireworks. i had a prime seat, sitting right under the american flag at the front entrance. the music was corny, the fire was cool, and i got hit on by some ol' nerdy dude. but it was really ice to just sit there and watch the show above me. i slept until three in the afternoon on sunday with the exception of getting up for cereal and watching "the long kiss goodnight." geena davis was never a great action star, and when is someone going to tell her that she should stop bleaching her hair blonde? it just doesn't look right.

on the fourth i brought seth over to my cousin's house for barbeque and more fireworks. he met my dad for the first time, and neither of them seemed too freaked. i think seth finds my family more amusing than i do. he enjoys spending time with them, and that's a good thing i guess. after watching more firewrks and lighting some of my own, i went to seth's, finished watching "ghost world," and passed out until the last possible minute before i had to get up for work. hopefully i'll be purchasing a new bed today, and i'll be one step closer to my new apartment.

i hope to update my pics soon. i'm really falling behind. happy holidays.

(note: this post is from monday. for some reason it didn't publish)

does it make sense that i would just be a little upset? here's an analogy to help set it up: a gay man is hanging out with his straight male friends. he has not come out to them yet, and he is afraid to because they spend so much time ragging on gay people. he's afraid they won't accept him or will make fun of him. so does it make sense that i might be unhappy when rob comes over, spends half an hour surfing porn with sean, shouting things like "oh, she's got some cellulite" and "ooh, these women could really afford to skip a meal." lisabee began to feel very self-conscious. she also felt left out that even though she was there first, rob and sean went off and did their guy thing. which is cool, i suppose. i think i'm feeling left out. it seems seth is the only person who pays any real attention to me. he makes me feel like i'm important and i'm special, and that i'm not just there to make someone else feel good. not to be immodest, but i spend a lot of damn time going out of my way to make other people happy, whether they are strangers, customers, or friends. i try at the very least to be polite about it. why can't the behavior be reciprocated? i'm tired of people stepping all over me. i thought i was the type of person to take a stand against that kind of bullshit. so i spoke my mind, but i'm sure they think i'm just rattling off some bitchy PMS psycho-babble.

damnit, wasn't i supposed to see a psychiatrist years ago???

seth and i made our way down to the farmer's market downtown yesterday morning, and we found ourselves stuck in the middle of a gay pride parade. they gave me some mardi gras beads and a flag and a teddy bear wearing a feather boa. however, that boa was nothing compared to the ones flowing amongst the drag queens. i missed the crowning ceremony because i was too anxious to check out the market down the street. i bought some fresh greek food, confections, and all-natural beeswax products from my friend's business. later last night we headed down to papillion days, a local carnival, and made fun of the hicks who wish they lived in omaha.

tonight i am taking my dad out for dinner. i got him a variety pack of homemade mustards from the farmer's market. i should have got some beef jerky, too. their stuff was sooo good. mmm, and jalapeno jelly.

anyway, my head is all itchy because i am touching up my roots. hair dye is poisonous, but i like it anyway. i had a lot to say, but then i was interrupted and i lost my train of thought.

catch you on the flip side.

aha! today is a great day. i just put down the $99 deposit on my very own apartment. 1750 square feet at $525 a month, plus electricity. split between sean and i, it will easily be affordable. fuck yeah, i'm excited!!!

the mercy girls are planning a cookout for tomorrow, however i only got the email today, so i can't make it because i have to work.

other upcoming events:
monthly poker tourney - june 12
seth's arrival in omaha - sometime this weekend or monday
dinner with dad - june 20
annual family card tourney - june 26
family reunion - july 25
19th birthday - july 29

call me.

it's about fuckin' time

so i haven't been around - give me a break. i'm here, i'm posting - be happy.

i'm finally making some money. i work part-time, but i get full-time hours. i always end up staying later than i should. today i left a little early. "screw y'all!" i've gone out of my way enough that i'm taking my day off (tomorrow) a little early. the air conditioner broke and it was a bajillion degrees. so screw it. i'm home. time for a shower.

sean found us an apartment, right in the heart of beautiful Dundee. i'm supposed to take a look at it tomorrow or next week, and if i like it, we're in. $485 a month, utilities paid, 1/2 off first month's rent plus a $99 deposit. you can't beat that for a two bedroom with a dishwasher! woot! sean and i both have trouble with washing dishes. hell, i can't even make ice. no, seriously. the little holes get too full and i try to pour some out, but then the whole tray is uneven and i throw it at the wall before collapsing to the floor.

i've been out with friends other than sean lately, which is a nice change of pace. we still spend too much time together. it's like we already live together, but not really. tonight i'm supposed to go to a concert with a girl from work. i already know the band, but whatever, it's something to do.

seth will be here by next week, we hope. he is all packed and ready to go. he's restless though, because he has to wait for the stickers for his new tahoe to come in the mail. without them he'll be pulled over four times before even making it out of cali. i can't wait though. i haven't seen him since august. he's already planning a camping trip, but what i really need is a visit to the nearest waterpark.

rick is in the D.R. (Dominican Republic)for the next few weeks on a service trip, so wish him safe travels. i'm off to get clean go to the concert. five bucks for a few hours of diversions? sure, why the hell not?

p.s. i'll try to stay in touch more often. out.

i didn't get the house. sadness. apparently someone was looking to rent it before us and so they were given preference. where am i going to live? sean is waiting to hear whether or not he got hired for that second job. i've been out of it all week. i've been working every day. seth never calls me. when i do get ahold of him, our calls are always the same - short and plain. but he's been busy. maybe he's just got a lot on his mind. i need a vacation. i need a new home. i need...

i have a lot on my mind, but there's nothing there when i try to pour it all out. i miss seth a lot. i want all these working hours to pay off to something great - like living on my own. it's been so long since i've been out to a concert or a club or a fancy dinner or even a movie. i haven't walked around the old market much. i haven't read a whole book since the summer started. i watched "the skulls" last night. i love movies about prep schools and ivy leagues. i don't know why. maybe because i wish i had been born boy and gone to one. but then i wouldn't be as cute as i am. :)

i'm ready for a change.

okay kids. sorry for the long break there. i have been working a lot - almost every day it seems. i fill my free tme with movies and poker and eating and sleep. i dunno where my mind has been, but i haven't been writing and i'm sorry for that. a lot has happened. colin came home from school in LA. his dad owns some properties around town, and we took a tour of a nice little three-bedroom house last night. i love it. sean loves it. we want to move in there so bad. however it's all dependent upon rob. rob doesn't want to move out of his mom's house because he's a cheap bastard. and his girlfriend can't shorten her leash enough for him to take a piss in peace. so hopefully we can either convince hi to do it or find someone else to live with us.

seth is all ready to move to omaha. after taking care of a few things, he should be here within the next month. it's been so long since i last saw him, it'll be a happy day when he calls me up and asks "so...wanna hang out?" his house will be on the edge of benson, mine farther south near prep.

i'm just trying to kill some time before i have to go to work today. i'm tired and want to nap. i had to get up early so i could get a new tire for my POS car. $30 wasn't a bad deal, but the wait took up most of my free time. tomorrow i get the entire day off, so as long asn nothing comes up, i'll have time to sleep in and clean out my car.

i don't know all my grades yet. but i know i have an A in philosophy. it's so great to be out of school, but it just means more days i have to go to work. at least at school i can wear jeans and sit down. everyone keeps asking me what i want to do with my life. i don't fucking know. i wish they'd quit asking. it sends me into contemplation mode and it's not something i want to think about because i am just a confused girl with a side of crazy. i've made a lot of dumb mistakes lately and i really just need to get some things done before i think about the future.

that is all. i have to go. call me.

i do not think i will be moving in with tiera. apparently subletting is illegal (this i did not know) and the house is in a scary neighborhood. that same night i had a dream that gang members killed my family and slit my throat. last night i dreamed that my friend mara kissed me. i will be working about 40 hours a week which mean mucho dinero para mi. seth is moving to omaha in a month or two. he is moving into a house with a roommate named scott. i can't wait to see him. today is mother's day. i think i will visit the cemetery after work. my mom's anniversary is on the 13th. i might go then as well.

my words are not meaningless. priorities change. my cell phone is off and instant messages will be ignored until friday afternoon when all of my finals will be over. if it's an emergency, email me. oh, and apparently i can receive text messages now. this i did not know.

oh yeah. tiera is getting a three-bedroom house in june and she asked me to move in with her. rent is $50 a month plus half the utilities. she'll take care of the rest. who could resist an offer like that???

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what the hell is wrong with me? i was starting to fall asleep, but i still had some studying to do. i told my friends "call me in an hour." i wake up in the morning after having nightmares about the shoe department. it was hellish at work yesterday. i look at the call log on my phone. apparently my friends called me like i asked them to. i don't remember answering the phone. i wonder how incoherent i must have sounded to them. did i sleep talk? either way, i slept through my studying and i fucking hate myself for it. caffeine doesn't work. sugar doesn't work. phone calls and alarm clocks don't work. HOW DO I STAY AWAKE?????

i hate school. finals are next week. i wish it was over NOW.

summer plans:
pick up more hours at work
visit los angeles
buy a new car
move out
win a million dollars at hold 'em poker

dont be such a crybaby, lisa.

you're never going to get what you want.

so just give up already.

the house always wins

ah poker last night was fun and a drag at the same time. but first, a kudos to a most wonderful episode of "angel." connor came back and was actually rather amusing as he was no longer the whiny "why don't you love me even though i'm an evil brat?" punk he was before.

poker was odd. it started out as me, sean and josh. we were getting into the game, i was losing....
then out of nowhere these three guys show up claiming to be friends of josh. so what the hell, we let them buy in. big mistake. they were drunk off their asses, couldn't understand what they were saying. i kept having to remind the guy next to me that it was his turn. but it all ended well. i kicked one guy's ass by going all in with a flush. we took their money and made them leave. they almost got sean in trouble by buzzing the other apartments at 4 in the morning. it was down to sean, josh and i once again. josh was obviously losing, and since we were tired, sean and i decided that if josh crapped out, we'd split the pot. after josh was out, we decided to count our chips just to see who would have won. ironically, we each had exactly $12.50. it was an interesting night to say the least.

i saw david today. david is sort of an old boyfriend...i really don't know how to categorize him. i hadn't seen him since he dropped spanish class, so it was nice catching up. i invited him over for poker next week and hopefully we'll get a full table again. sean and i are looking for a nice set of chips on ebay. then we'll be able to have more players. until then, it's about a five person max. $5 buy-in, $25 to win. it's not bad for a good night of entertainment.

anyhoo, i got out of my bio lab about 2 hours early today, so i'm just looking for ways to waste time before my next class. ate some lunch, talked to friends, went on the internet. too bad the weather's crappy, otherwise i'd take a nap on the grass. gotta work tonight and catch up on some Z's. i'll be in touch.

my room! it's clean! at last!
i can see the floor. i can walk around. i can do naked jumping jacks and spin in circles until i throw up. i love this.

my dad called me and told me he saw a mouse crawl out from under my door. he taped a sign to my door that read "do not enter unless properly vaccinated, by order of #611 DC department of health." i never did see a mouse. i wonder if he was lying....

anyhoo, my room is clean and i am filled with joy.

i started a new email account. lisabee@gmail.com - no crappy forwards please.

i don't know what else to say. i have been a busy bee. productivity - ain't it grand?

and tomorrow night? angel + poker = grand ol' time por moi. woot!

r.h. milholland's "infernal tax collector"

thursday night and it's absolutely beautiful out. the warm night air hints of pleasant summer evenings ahead, and i can't wait.

i spent all week driving sean around. his friend is supposedly working on the truck, but we can never get ahold of him. as much as i love toting my best friend around, this cannot go on forever.

i was one hand away from winning $25 in the poker tourney last night. i should have left while i was ahead. but it's cool, because i got to eat my favorite candy and i bought the coolest lighter.

i went to all my classes this week. my friends got bored in biology class. i showed up for work on time, every time. i don't know what else to say; i am kinda tired. i didn't get to sleep till 6am this morning.

happy easter!

well it's two years to the floating holiday that i've been a member of the blogging world, and it seems as though the time has flown by so quickly. but when i think back, it seems like so long ago at the same time. my mom was still alive. i was still a junior in high school. i still drove my little green car that was oh so cute. i was still innocent for the most part. it's weird to think how much i've changed since then...

yesterday was another long day at work. i had my annual review with my boss, which ended on a good note and a ten-cent pay increase. hey, that's not bad if you consider the short amount of time i've worked there. i still make more than my friends who have been there longer. not bragging, just informing. i saw tyffaney and kayleen for the first time in months. they seemed about the same, except tyff had blonde in her hair. even maggie came and visited me at work! i haven't seen her since graduation. seeing old friends really helped my crappy day turn brighter. one customer told me she was going to fill out a comment card praising my performance. it's interesting how the smallest tasks can make someone so appreciative. like giving sean another ride to work at midnight. i talked in a silly voice all the way there, making him wish he didn't have to work so he could hang out with me just a little longer. i'm really not as dull as i may appear to be. my entertainmnt usually requires outrageous dancing and flailing of arms and the cutest expressions you've ever seen. it's rather hard to convey via blogging.

last night i had a dream that sean grew absolutely upset with me, and i was ever so sad. in fact i was so upset that i missed my wedding day, and i didn't even realize it until the next day when my whole family was angry at me. i don't know who i was supposed to marry, but it was heart-wrenching nonetheless. all my aunts and cousins were still dressed up for the wedding, and they totally made me feel bad. i hope they aren't like that when i go visit them for easter today. later in the dream my aunt's cat tried to kill me. evil things. it seems all cats except my own are incredibly mean and like to bite and scratch. anyway, i ended up getting to play a few minutes in a pro soccer game, and i scored a goal with my butt. afterwards, all the cute players came up and hit on me, and i had mad cash in my wallet. ya know, because pro players get paid mucho dinero. bryan visited me in my dream as well. i miss him a lot. he hugged me tighter than ever, and i loved it. i told you i had weird dreams. of course, without fail, the first half was a nightmare.

quote of last night
"hello! you've reached the horrible house of hair. murphy speaking..." - me, in a voice that sounds like a mix between the skeleton from "tales from the crypt" and post-puberty cartman of "south park."

my photo blog

it's been a busy week; i haven't been home much. i went to work and all of my classes. my philosophy class was cancelled on monday because my teacher's wife fell through the attic floor into the garage. she is okay. i have multi-colored cigarettes to accessorize. i kicked ass in poker, but still lost a couple dollars. i got to see colin. i took talia to a birthday party. i got to meet sean's grandma. i got a frisbee thrown at my jaw. i got a quarter thrown at my eye. everyone is trying to hurt me, it seems. yooowwza!

owww! my left jaw hurts when i touch it. yesterday i was sittin outside talking to a friend, when out of nowhere this bli blue thing smacks me square in the face. megan hit me with a frisbee, and man, did it hurt. i don't get what her deal was. there wasn't even anyone near me she might have been trying to throw it to. "gee i think i'll just close my eyes and let the frisbee go where the wind takes it." straight into my face. painful.

i feel so dirty.

yesterday i saw a conflagration take over the old market. looking down the smoke-filled street, firefighters running all around, it reminded me of the 9/11 footage. this is the second building in the old market to burn in three months, both of which were under renovations at the time. i regret not having my camera at the time. i purchased a lou reed cd because i love "take a walk on the wild side" and some vanilla cigarettes and some incense, because the warm weather and approach of summer send me into my hippie phase. it just can't be helped.

i have a stupid map quiz today. and i have to go to work. don't they know that wednesdays are just not ideal for me? besides, both colin and talia want me to hang out with them tonight. i dunno, i doubt i will. i've spent so much time "out" in the last couple days, i'm sure my dad is pissed at me. though there isn't much to do here at home.

blah.

i feel dirty.

i saw the movie "frequency" last night. it was so good. the plot is an emotional roller coaster. i bought a lou reed cd and some incense and i smell like patchouli oil. i met with my advisor to decide which classes i want to take next semester. here's what i'd like to take, but there are no guarantees i'll get in...

philosophical groundings for ethical understanding
spanish II
world literature II
intro to psychology
art fundamentals

i also saw "the perfect murder" today. michael douglas can be so devious... meep! i am rather hyper. it's gorgeous outside, and it took everything i had not to skip class and walk around downtown. but i can always do that tonight. and and sean promised to put gas in my tank for me because i am always giving him rides. meep! i want a haircut.

oy, what a weekend.

friday night, i came home from work and started on another painting in the "bill" series. hopefully it should be finished by tonight. sean called and asked for a ride to work, and he needed to be there by midnight. okay that's fine. then i came home, played on the computer a bit, and i finally hit the sack by 2:45 am. then at six in the morning i get a call from sean asking fr a ride home from work as well. apparently his dad is just as terrible at showing up on time as sean is. after i picked him up, we enjoyed a lovely breakfast at IHOP. we spent the rest of the morning shopping at thrift stores in council bluffs. i then worked for nine hours, getting pulled back and forth between juniors and domestics. i love working in the home department. there aren't always as many customers, and i can get my projects done at my own pace. i always keep myself busy while leaving a little time to chat with my coworkers. after work i headed over to the poker game, where i got to meet some of my favorite radio DJs. i ended up losing a little over seven bucks, but i still had a good time. i appreciate that sean let me into his "safety zone." it's like, he's got me as a friend, and then he has his own guy friends from college. last night we all met each other, and it was rather special. anyway, enjoy the pics, i'm off to work yet again. out.

okay so i have these .avi movies that i filmed with my digital camera, but i can't figure out how to upload them to the internet and have them actually PLAY for others. if anyone knows how, please let me know. until then, i'm willing to send them through file transfer via any instant messaging system. just let me know.

AIM: lisabee16
Yahoo!: lisabee729@yahoo.com
MSN: lisabee729@hotmail.com

i have just finished reading "go ask alice," which i only bought three days ago. i love getting back into my reading mode. i haven't been this way for quite some time. in fact, i have been very lost lately. and i've been a jerk to everyone around me. i've been staying out way too late, and i've been ignoring my loved ones, and i've become much too self-involved. and i hate beating myself up for it. i long for summer when i can take a good book over to a coffeeshop and sit on the patio and when night falls, a friend will join me, and we'll have a long, semi-intellectual conversation and go for a walk and enjoy the warm, night air. i feel i am too caught up in other things and too busy and too involved in all the things that take away from the beauty of peace and quite. i want to play outside and go camping and walk around downtown and take pictures and.....

fuck it. i need to get ready for school. then work.

gah! everybody keeps sending me virus-filled emails.

stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit.

click me!

blech.... i'm sick again. :(

oy, i only got like two and a half hours of sleep. i drove sean to work and got the craziest breakfast from quik trip - rooster booster and a monster taquito. the rooster booster claims to be an energy drink, and it tastes like liquid pop rocks. OY. headache....

i went to the mongolian grill last night. it was soooo good. i never new that such an odd combination of food could taste so yummy. some of my favorites were crab and pineapple and peanuts. remind me to add more ginger sauce next time.



i saw malinda at work today. she caught me smokin' on my break. i haven't seen her in what seems like years.



she starts a new job at a bank this week. i hope it works out for her.



i should go to bed. i told sean i'd give him a ride to work at 5 am this morning. his tailights wouldn't turn off for some reason and his car died. so being the nice guy girl that i am, i'm taking him to work.

i took more pics, but i think maybe it wold look stupid if i posted them all at once. we'll see. night all...

everything seemed like it was going well. then i come home tonight and i've got angry emails and frustrated blog entries and disappointing instant messages. why does everyone have to hate me all at once? it's hard to take, and you only push the downward spiral. i am trying hard to make myself happy. why does everyone else want to get in the way of that?

fuck fuck fuck! i hate waking up late. and why do i always feel so shitty? like i'm gonna puke or something....

more webcam pics!



i should really go to sleep....

guess who got a digital camera in the mail today?! whoo hoo!!!!!!!!! this pic is pretty crappy as i was just playing around with it to see how it works. and i am ass-tired. and i am much more excited than i look. and and AND the lighting in my room is not great right now. but more pics to come. huzzah!!!!

history test today. blargh. i can't sleep. thoughts of moving out have taken over my mind, and i can't concentrate on anything else. the warmer weather brings back memories of summer and i can't fucking wait to get out of school.

oy...i ate too much candy in an attempt to get a sugar-high. :( puke.

in 19th century england lived a philosopher by the name of jeremy bentham. bentham believed we should make the most of everything. we should put all things to use, even after they are dead. from this he proposed that human bodies should be stuffed after death, especially the famous ones. they should be put on display next to their works. visitors can view their works and then view the body, perhaps have a little discussion with it. of course, everyone thought bentham was absurd. however, after bentham died in 1832, undertakers followed his written instructions to preserve his body for anyone who wanted to view it. the skeleton and intact head are currently on display at the university college london in a mahogany and glass case. if you would like to read more about this morbid peculiarty, go here.

perpetual headache

i've had a headache for three days and a tummyache for two. what is wrong with me? i don't like being sick all the time. i think maybe i need to improve my diet. i only have time to eat once or twice a day, usually an on-the-go snack from the convenience store or something. and lots of soda. but i go to school and work every day. donate some free time and i'll be able to eat again.

this morning sean informed me that it is highly likely we will be moving in together. my first reaction was, "why aren't you moving in with rob?" but if i think about it, i'm pretty happy. i want to experience living on my own for awhile before i move in with a boyfriend. we got along great, so as long as we can keep up on the bills, all should be fine.

this afternoon we dissected our rats. i pulled out all of the intestines... it looked a big, slimy necklace. i cut open the abnormally large scrotum and inspected the contents of the appendix. it looked like mushed up peas. the highlight of it all was when my friends found babies in their female rats. i stole one of the embryos, wrapped it up in a wet paper towel, and put it in a small ziplock baggie. at home i'll find a jar and some sort of preservation liquid. how cool am i to be the morbid girl with a fetus in a jar? most say it's not cool and that i'm just gross. oh well. for anyone who wants to see it, let me know. it's actually pretty cute.

current song:
"behind blue eyes" cover by limp bizkit

current readings:
"a child called it" by dave pelzer
"an enquiry concerning human understanding" by david hume

movies to see:
"the laramie project"
"boys don't cry"
"casablanca"
"zulu"

the day is enjoyable so far. outside it is cool and windy. hace fresco y hace viento. i wear the same old outfit (black pants, colorful top, black jacket) for i have to go to work after school. my nails are painted negro. but i am not goth today. i have been goth in the past. i've been hippie. i've been punk. i've been preppie, indie, and glam. but today i am just me. i venture to the bookstore, el libreria, to purchase yet another text for philosophy. i sip my extra hazelnut coffee and smoke a cigarette on the way to class. i stop to talk to talia. we discuss activites such as bowling and getting our tongues pierced. we both work a lot, trabajo todos los dias, so finding time to spend together is tough to do. i take notes in biology and history. my spanish test is returned, and i look at it with disappointment. i get confused in philosophy as we move on to more difficult topics. later, i throw away my half-eaten lunch in the student center. my mouth tastes like minestrone soup. i should have purchased some gum. outside, a cafeteria worker lights my cigarette and i walk toward the stone sign in front of the library. esta en frente de la biblioteca. i sit on top and read "a child called it." i don't know why i am so into this book. or the movies listed above. child abuse, genocide, murder motivated by prejudice. they sadden me, yet still i long to read. perhaps someday when i am famosa en la filosofia i will write a book concerning these issues. i wait in the library until it is time to go to my biology review. then, a couple hours of work in the better sportswear department. hard work, indeed. the second highest man in the company is visiting on tuesday to inspect our store, and we have to make it look perfecto. then, i drive home and do homework, la tarea. do laundry, talk to some friends, get a little sleep, and a new day tomorrow. hasta manana.

why do i keep losing my deodorant?!

lisa now has black hair, but without that "obviously fake black" shine. i chose one color up from black, but it's still pretty dark. i think maybe it will look better if i put on some makeup and dark clothes. i look pretty odd in my pjs - bright orange t-shirt, bright pink striped pants, fuzzy fuschia slippers, alabaster skin.... yeah, definitely not complimentary. plus i dyed my eyebrows, so they sort of look like they're drawn on. but don't natural brunettes have dark eyebrows?? blah, oh well. i can make it work. no digicam yet, so no pics. sorry. if you know someone who has one handy, i'll be happy to pose for you.

it seems as if i'm losing control over my two favorite men. seth has been going to the movies with some fat chick who apparently smells like me. but he shouldn't be getting close enough that he can smell her anyway. and sean got his nipples pinched by kiley...twice. he's very sensitive about that. he won't even let me near them! oy, it's just not fair. there is a possibility that sean and i will rent a cheap two-bedroom aparment together, however, he thinks my jealousy would get in the way of our living together. he and i are just friends, but i can't help getting a little jealous when he's out with other girls. i never claimed to stop liking him. you can't overturn your feelings just like that. and seth is getting friendly with the fat chick from the pharmacy. but in both cases, i'm glad they have made new friends. hopefully i'll get to go bowling on thursday and get to know kiley a little better (and get rid of my jealousy). she seems to think i'm cool, so i should return the favor.

when i was at the bookstore the other night, i wanted to read "a child called it" for some reason. unfortunately, they had sold their last copy. HOWEVER, i found it at targhetto last night. other books i want to finish reading include:
"me talk pretty one day" - david sedaris
"dry - a memoir" - augesten something
"zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" - dunno
"40 watts from nowhere" - uh, that chick that writes for jane magazine
i forget the rest...

oh yeah, and i am getting my hair cut and permed like meg ryan (as soon as time and money allow). this was the closest photo to the style i could find....

omfg

i was so disgusted last night. sean and i stopped in at alvarado's (really good mexican food) since i only eat once a day and i was starving. we were enjoying our meal, looking at cars for sale in those free magazines you get at the grocery store. across the room was a tall, scraggly old man with a bushy gray beard, playing on a tabletop gambling video game. all of a sudden we hear the guy yelling up to the girl at the cash register, "miguel say seniorita es centerfold...playboy? hahaha" what the hell?!?! he yelled it a couple more times as sean and i just looked at each other with surprise. then the guy came up to the cashier, leaned down to her height, and asked her louder and right in her face. holy shit, what is this guy's problem. that was one of the most offensive things i've ever heard/seen. here's this girl just trying to do her job in her family-owned business, and she has to put up with pieces of racist white trash like this guy? i should have said something to the guy, but i just sat there for the rest of my meal, pitying the girl. and then what do you know? i see him and his wife driving down pacific street on my way home today. motherfucker....

it's such a beautiful day outside. the sun is shining, the wind is blowing, and i actually had to turn on my air conditioner driving home. i was on the radio in the afternoon. "call in if your name matches your profession." last name = bloomingdale = retail store = where i work. cool beans.

vote here. it only takes two seconds.

i'm sitting in the library, wondering how many people are staring at my naked lady poster. some guys in the elevator saw it and were like "whoa mama!" hmm....

ew ew ew

i just came back from bio lab, and boy was it gross. we are having a two-day dissection of white rats. however, today was skinning day. i hope i never have to skin another animal again - it's hard to do! my rat was male and huis balls were fucking huge. rat genitalia is interesting when compared to humans. in rats, the testicles are at least three times the size of the penis. imagine having to walk around with that all day. while skinning, i managed to crack open the tail, break an arm, and poke its eyeball a bit. in retaliation, mr. rat sprayed me with tons of formaldehyde. yum yum, eat 'em up.

i was told today that i have the softest, cutest nose in the world. that made me giggle and blush.

the snow fell very heavily as i drove home today. big, fluffy snowflakes floated toward me lowering my visibility to less than 200 feet. i always squint when things fly at my windshield, as if they are going to hit me directly in the face and there is no glass protecting me. when i drive through a big cloud of exhaust, i hold my breath. why? i'm in the car, windows up, mostly protected from the pollution. i'm just weird i guess.

i didn't do much of anything today. i've been really tired all day.

i updated the sidebar with some of my favorite fashions. i'd like to think i am somewhat knowledgable in the area as i spend so much time on the selling floor, and in just about every department in younkers. last night was men's fragrances, then women's fragrances, then shoes. oh, i hate working at the mall when i have no money!

hindsight

i was just thinking about this freak snowfall we had today, and what came to mind was the age-old saying, "beware the ides of march." damn you, shakespeare!

midterms

history - C
biology - B
spanish - B
english - B
philosophy - A (i got a 98% on the midterm! i believe his exact comments were: "this is fine work. you should be a philosophy major!")

so yay for the grades. if i keep it up i might be able to keep my scholarship. i'm not surprised about the C - i've always sucked at history. but i could have studied harder, so we'll see what happens come the next test. so school is going better, i'm getting more hours at work, and i got to see many of my friends whom i've "abandoned" lately. everyone at work seems to just love me, as well as few boys :) i've curtailed my spending by not bringing any money along with me in the first place. my overall mood has been lifted and i'm looking forward to finishing out the semester. yay for lisa!

nnnooooo!!!!! it's not fair! we finally had two consecutive days of nice, somewhat warm weather and....no! i can't say it. it's just too unbearable. it's, it's....it's a monster!

......*stare*......*blink*....*blink*......

fuck it. it's snowing again. the roads are icy and the impending storm is putting a total damper on my hopes and dreams of wearing a pretty little skirt to work today. looks like black pants for me AGAIN. i finally took a shower after being the filthiest thing to walk the planet these last two days. and now i have to think of something else to wear. it has to be comfortable enough for school but nice enough for work. no chunky heels as i'll be walking on ice-covered bricks most of the day. it was so much easier in high school when we had uniforms. which crappy-ass tennis shoes should i wear? hmm i think i'll go with the blue eye shadow today. and maybe a watch. wam, bam, thank you ma'am. i'm dressed. oh well. at least they aren't out of dissection kits at the bookstore. that seemed to be the only worry of the day so far. that and my chances of getting into an accident on the way to work or school. you see, i visited sean at work the other day, and they are doing construction on the building and parking lots. this means i had to drive on muddy and gravel roads. thus, my tires were caked in mud and i had no traction. i'm hoping that either the mud has fallen off by now, or that if it is still there, it will give me extra traction on the snow. whatever. drive safely. you'll be fine. out.

i so kicked ass at work yesterday. i was the top seller with $5390. that surpasses (by about $2000) any sales in one day i've ever seen. but do i get recognized? hardly. do i get a cut of the prom expo commission? of course not. but you don't see me complaining. well...maybe a little.

i picked up lauren tonight at the airport, and she was kind enough to buy me wendy's for dinner. i think it's maybe the second burger i've had in two years. oh, it was so good. but not as good as my dad's homemade tacos. he used real grade A beef, as opposed to grade C used at taco bell. i hear grade D is used for dog food. that should put things into perspective. who wants the beef that comes from cows who got bad grades anyway? are there dyslexic cows standing around going "oom?" yeah no props for me. i think that joke was from seinfeld.

anyhoo, i helped sean look for apartments today. we found one place that has all you could want and more for a hella cheap price. he was looking at one- and two-bedroom apartments. so far it seems i would be his only prospective roommate. $215 a month for rent and utilities isn't bad, but i'm sure seth would freak out if i moved in with sean. it sounds like a fun idea, having my own place and stuff, living with my best friend.... we'll see. the sooner i can move out the better.

yay for protests! seriously folks. i love this show with a fiery passion. an unhealthy obsession. don't let them cancel angel!


my new desktop
i get bored easily...

tonight at work i felt like i was in an action movie. LP (loss prevention...the security dudes at work) were talking on walkie talkies and trailing a thief with their surveillance cameras. i was instructed to lock the dressing rooms in my department. apparently she just loves to steal dkny clothing. i watched her out of the corner of my eye, hoping she would make her move and a swat team would pop out from behind the clearance racks. guns would be pointed, chaos would ensue, and i'd be taken hostage in petites. but no such luck. i worked late, forgot to pick up my paycheck, and made the long journey across a dark and desolate parking lot to my car. bo-ring.

another young girl tried to steal from me earlier in the evening in juniors. after i went out of my way to help her find a specific pair of pants, she came up to the register a while later to make her purchase.
"these pants are ripped. i want a new pair."
i looked down at the pants to see a long tear along the seam where the security tag was firmly attached. she obviously couldn't rip it off herself, so she decided to give back her 'damaged' merchandise and demand a new one. i grudgingly helped her find a new pair of pants which she paid for with a long look on her face. i should have called LP, but i just wasn't thinking. i hope those pants make her ass look big and she can't get a date for the prom. bitch.

while working extra hours will help pay off all these debts i've created, it's killing my feet. i didn't get to do much in the way of spring break, but i suppose i'll live. i finished my collage. my dad stared at it, and then asked me if i was gay. he seems deathly afraid of the idea. i don't blame him for being that way; it's how he was raised. but if they day comes when i do bring home a girlfriend, i can only hope he would support me and love me anyway. the truth is, i find the female body to be absolutely beautiful. so if i post pictures on my website or make a collage, it's just art, an expression of something lovely. i suppose it would be similar to one's love for sports cars or antique coffee tables.

i'm not very talkative lately. well, that's a lie. i'm very talkative. i just don't know what to write. perhaps there will be another entry shortly hereafter. ho hum....

the grease monkeys who did my oil change scammed me out of 60 bucks more than i was planning to spend. i got yelled at by my dad, but it was understandable. our finances are tight right now, and i should have called him to verify the charges. sean told me he'd start changing my oil for free. i think i just need to learn more about cars.

work wasn't so bad. no one came to visit me. there were only three customers in the store the last hour and a half we were open. it was kinda nice because i got paid to walk around and talk to one lady while she looked for a shirt. sunshine told me about her upcoming wedding and stephanie shared with me the wonders of weight watchers. tiera bought me a strawberry smoothie and taji kept me company while i smoked outside. although it sounds like i did a whole lot of nothing, i really did work hard today.

tomorrow is my day off. i'll make a quick visit to sean's house, most likely for breakfast. i might stop in at student health and try to get an appointment with a gyno. i need to call the bookstore and order a dissection kit, and then i get the rest of the day to myself to clean my room. i seem to get a lot more done when i'm home alone. i think it's because i get embarassed by the amount of trash and dirty clothes i haul out of there. anyhoo, my dad apolgized for getting angry, seth isn't online to talk to me, so i think i'll head off to bed.

p.s. lots o' compliments on the outfit today. yippee, i feel pretty.

my current desktop

so i'm making this collage for my autobiography class. it's mondo...friggin' huge. i was looking for something to mount it on and i found an old two-month wet-erase calendar that's the size of a move poster. so now my collage is enormous. i'll take it in to get lamenated when i'm finished. it started out as just a bunch of naked women. i was surprised how many naked women i could find in just one magazine. i included close ups of legs, butts, and boobs. i found risque artwork and colorful adjectives. then my mural of ladies turned out a sort of message. "how to be the woman of their dreams" "what kind od images are posed on impressionable youth such as myself" "lisa really is just a dirty pervert" and so forth. it's titled JANE. seth decided to buy me a digital camera, so i'll post a pic of it when i can.

i'm wearing an odd fashion to work. black and white crazy dress over black pants and bright red shoes. i feel like one of those models who shows off clothes that would never be worn in public. but i have to work nine hours and it's gonna be hella busy and i don't give a shit what i look like. the store is open two hours later today and everyone gets 15% off their entire purchase all day long. this means tons of customers buying a million clothes they don't need. this means me getting really tired really fast. and i have no money for dinner. i think i slept funny and now my arms are sore. :(

and i have to get my oil changed today. it's a chore i don't feel like doing. blah.

i KNEW sean would think it was trivial - his brother going out of his way to make me feel bad, make me cry. sean says he likes me and that's all that matters. while that may be true, it still sucks when someone puts effort into putting you down. it ruined most of my day yesterday. my day filled with fun activites like eating too much junk food in front of the tv and not getting out of my pj's until three in the afternoon.

i have nothing profound to say today. forget it. no one reads this anyway. at least, this is what i conclude from the lack of comments. perhaps i should write about the more controversial things i have been up to lately. that always seems to cause a stir. we'll see.

says blender magazine

apparently omaha, nebraska is #16 in the nation's top 20 most rock 'n' roll towns...

it's happy hour at brother's lounge: a guy with a two-foot mohawk sits at the bar next to a middle-aged man in a suit. they're not talking or even acknowledging each other's existence. but they're both nodding along to the ministry song pumping out of the punk-heavy jukebox. "music unifies all kinds of people here," explains chris harding, manager of drastic plastic, a secondhand music store in town. "we're just too small a city for someone who is into, say, indie-rock to have the luxury of being isolated from someone who's into new wave."

add one part creative musicians, another part diehard rock fans. mix them all together in a conservative town landlocked in the middle of the country, with few things to do other than see live music - the result is one of the most vibrant, exciting scenes in the country. the heart of omaha is sokol hall, a polka dance hall turned rock haven. skateboard kids slamdance with factory workers to local acts like the faint, the good life, and bright eyes - led by the patron saint of the omaha scene, conor oberst.

but the real underground movement is literally that: underground. omaha is a basement culture. "it's easy to showcase your band," says robb nansel, founder of saddlecreek records, the city's premier label, "because everyone has a basement, and you don't need to rent a bar or a rehearsal space." t's not unusual to find a basement party every night of the week with $1 beers, grilled sausages and live music playing until the police shut it down.

omaha is an anomaly - a thriving boho culture in the middle of a working-class town. you might compare it to seattle in the early '90s. but you might also get shot for doing so. omahans pride themselves on not being scenesters. says harding, "omaha doesn't have flannel like seattle had flannel. it doesn't have coffeeshops on every block. there's a lot of importance placed on individuality."

me: good morning
noah: paul doesn't hate you, he just thinks you're useless.
me: ah that's the sort of greeting i was hoping for. thanks.

just great. i'm talking to sean's brother noah via IM, and apparently he doesn't like me either. what is wrong with me that these people don't like me? so i made a bad impression... i'm sorry. i know plenty of people who seem to like me. ugh, i know this is trivial, but it makes me want to cry when people tell me they think i'm useless and stupid and damn it. :( i gotta go wash my face now.

the bathroom saga

i just realized that i never really posted about this in the past. people who know me know bits and pieces, but no one really understands my issues with bathrooms.

i think it all started in kindergarten. this is the first time i can recall peeing my pants in a public place. i was in the one-person bathroom, fumbling about with my jeans. i was used to wearing the ones with snaps, but these were new, and they fastened with an authentic button and button-hole. i struggled with the button for what seemed like forever. i eventually moved on to fumbling with it with one hand, while the other was clutched tightly against my crotch. time ran out and i pissed all over myself. i remember crying and waiting in the nurse's office when finally my mom showed up with a pair of lavendar courdoroys. she consoled me, although i was still crying. now that i look back on it, i think the tears were not from embarassment, but from fear. i am getting shaky in the legs just writing about it.

you see, i can't stand people peeing their pants. to me, i get as nervous as someone who is being held at gunpoint. now that i've gotten older, i don't get nervous when i have to pee. i know how much holding i can tolerate. but if others have to go REALLY BAD, and there is no way for them to get to a bathroom or a tree, i just freak out. i panic. i get nervous. my legs get weak and shaky and i can feel my heartbeat racing through my veins.

some memories of the past...

in third grade we were taking a standardized test at school. no one was allowed to leave, and when i looked up, i saw leslie sitting in a puddle on her chair, urine dripping down the back. i couldn't concentrate for the rest of the test. in fifth grade, pete asked to use the bathroom, but the teacher said no. a few minutes later we saw him run out of the room, down the hall to the boys' bathroom. you could see a trail of piss on the floor following him down the hall. i sat there wondering if he'd be in trouble, and i thought i was going to pass out. a few years later, my family joined my brother's boy scout troop on an outing to valla's pumpkin patch. there were haunted houses and bonfires and homemade fudge. my brother, who had his own issues with outhouses, refused to use the outdoor public toilets. he ended up walking around with brown undies the rest of the night. (he was little, so don't give him a hard time about it.) i remember getting angry at him for acting like a wuss and not using the outhouse. i'm still not over it. if you have to go, and there is a bathroom right in front of you, GO DAMN IT! there was a time my mom almost wet herself one day after church. she thought she could hold it until we got home, but once in the car, i forced her to drive back to the building and find a bathroom. my freshman year of high school, i saw a news clipping on my teacher's desk about teachers who won't let their students use the bathroom. i always tried telling people, who cares if you get in trouble for leaving the classroom? pissing yourself is not worth saving yourself from demerits or detention. a word to the wise, if you have to pee, but you're going to refuse to go, DO NOT let me know about it. i will get nervous and panicky and i won't be able to concentrate on anything else.

i think my worst panic attack occured the next summer. i went on a trip with my science club to world's of fun in kansas city. on the way back, we piled into the fifteen-person van and headed for home. i ended up sitting shot gun with the teacher, which was fine. it meant i could sleep and listen to my walkman. but at a point during the drive, i could hear the other kids making fun of a girl sitting way in the back. amber had drank too much soda since our last pit stop, thus she really had to pee. there wasn't another rest area for thirty miles, and the teacher refused to pull over to the side of the road. i could hear the kids making fun of her, trying to get her to laugh, talking about waterfalls and dripping faucets. up in the front, no one could see the tears running down my face. i couldn't breathe and my legs were jumping all over the place. i couldn't sit still, and i stifled my sobs of fear as i looked out the window. i asked the other kids to stop making fun of her. i asked the driver to pull over. they noticed my tears, but they would not stop. instead, they made fun of me, too. i don't recall how i got through it, but we finally made it to a gas station where amber could go pee and i could wash my face. i haven't had an attack like that since, until recently...

about a month ago i saw the movie magnolia. there was a climactic dramatic scene in which the little boy on the game show was not allowed to go to the bathroom because they were one minute from coming back from commercial. he ended up peeing his pants. the other contestants made fun of him. his dad yelled at him in front of everyone. i sat on the couch, tears in my eyes, telling sean over and over that i hate this movie - it is depressing and i want to turn it off.

but why do you freak out so much, lisa? what is the worst that can happen? it's just pee. it's just clothing. but you know, in my mind, it's not. i get nervous and scared and i don't know why. to me, it's like something terrible is about to happen, like death. and all my attempts to stop it are in vain. i don't know why i get scared the way i do, and no one has told me how to get over it. i haven't seen a therapist, but i'd be willing to go if it meant no more panic attacks. this is the end of part one of "the bathroom saga."

the bathroom saga, part two

not only do i get nervous about people needing to use the bathroom, but i have issues with the bathroom itself. this has only been prominent for the last five years.

do you ever have reoccuring dreams? or reoccuring themes of dreams? i do. i used to have this dream that i was in my grandparents' house, and i was sitting on the john. i was trying to pee, but i just couldn't. this was because the bathroom had california doors, or two doors each leading to a separate room (like the connecting bathroom on the brady bunch). in the dream, i could NOT get both doors to stay shut AND locked at the same time. someone was always barging in, and i was unable to use the facilities. this nightmare still haunts me today.

when i met maggie in high school, we became the best of friends. she lived next door to school, so i would hang out with her there until my mom came to pick me up. but there was something about maggie's house i couldn't tolerate. the bathroom. the loo in maggie's house had two doors - one connecting to her parents' room, and the other to the computer room. the locks on the doors looked old and incapable. incapable, that is, of protecting me from others while i did my duty. i didn't really know how to explain my deal to maggie. i tried telling her about the dream and how it made me nervous, and luckily she understood. i could only sit there and feign laughs at myself while i hoped she wouldn't tell others and make fun of me. for the rest of that year, if ever i had to go...you know...i would climb the treacherously-steep stairs to the bathroom in the attic, or just hold it and hope i could make it home. that was more than four years ago. i have since come to terms with maggie's bathroom, but only hers. any other california-door facilities will take some time getting used to.

during junior year, i dated bryan. i was at his house all the time, and we always hung out in the basement. and i was not fond of the bathroom down there. i didn't trust the lock on the door. there was a time when i sat down to pee, and bryan rushed the door, opening it, and scaring the shit out of me. not literally. i hadn't gone yet, and there was no way i could go NOW. i cursed him out for taking advantage of the broken lock, and i promptly stomped up the stairs to find another toilet. sean did the same thing to me a couple months ago. you can't lock his bathroom door or else you will get stuck inside. he got an earful of cursings as well.

sadly, the nightmares never ceased. they grew more disturbing, and occured more and more often. i am currently at the point where there are too few nightmare-free nights for me to recall. i wake up frustrated and scared on almost a daily basis. luckily, i have never wet the bed, despite the theme of my all-too-weird nightmares. and nightmares they are. i am afraid and panicky and i wake up in a sweat or a state of frustration. it completely ruins my morning, and it takes a couple hours for me to get adjusted to the day.

what other types of nightmares have i had, you ask? oh, well they all seem to be very similar to each other. my dreams range from not being able to find a bathroom, to finding a toilet but without privacy, to squating on the pot, knowing i have to pee, but nothing comes out. the last two are the worst. i have dreams in which people stare at me as i pee. they stand in front of me, making eye contact, acting as if everything was normal. this prevents me from being able to perform what i thought was supposed to be my own private business. i will have dreams about community bathrooms...a row of toilets all lined up on a concrete floor. but there is always someone watching.... or they are all being used, never a free toilet to spare. there is never enough toilet paper. i get lost in mazes of community bathrooms, showers, and lockerooms. and i wake up in a fit of frenzy. i've had dreams about finding toilets in the most remote corners of a junk-filled storage room, yet as soon as i sit down, someone seems to find me. once in a dream i gave up looking for a throne and tried to piss in a large, empty jacuzzi tub. but sure enough, someone came and found me. i had to pee SO BAD, but nothing came out. when i woke up i was sure i had wet the bed, but luckily i was wrong. i used to think these nightmares were signs that i had to pee in the middle of the night. but if ever i really had to go, my body has woken itself up and carried me down the hall to the proper room. so i don't get why i have these neverending nightmares.

nowadays when i have to go, i can be very picky about things. if it's a one person bathroom, the door must always be locked, even if i am home alone. and no one may talk to me through it. in a public loo, it's alright if the lock on the stall is broken, and i don't care if my friends talk to me from one stall over. but the toilet must be flushed. i can't go on top of someone else's toxins. it's weird. i think i should be more concerned about germs on the seat or no toilet paper. but ever since i finally learned how to piss outside, i realized that sometimes you just have to wiggle and shake and be on your way.

so yes, i have bathroom issues. i don't know how they started or why. they've been around forever, with the nightmares beginning about five years ago. i need help. i know that. i am picky, i have bad dreams, and i get nervous around others. there has got to be some way to get over this, but i am clueless. so next time i freak out and try to justify it by saying "i have bathroom issues! it's a long story!" you'll know why.

the end.

it's three in the morning and there is no fucking way i'm gonna get back to sleep. munching on chips and salsa in the basement, i got scared watching panic room. i came back upstairs to see that i had six missed calls. and i missed more calls/IMs earlier because i was asleep. it was a DAMN tiring day at work. and now i feel bad that i can't call them back because they are either sleeping or they have company and that would be rude to wake them up. bah! there are some urgent matters that need to be discussed, and now i have to sit here - helpless, nauseated, and scared silly. stupid movie. somebody call me!

sean's party wasn't half bad. i bought him a collander for his birthday because he likes to make spaghetti but always burns his hands because he tries to strain the noodles by tipping the pot over the sink and it really just makes a mess. i felt bad though, because many of sean's closest friends couldn't make it. and it was always a small group because everybody kept showing up and leaving at different times. but oh well. i think maybe his best present will be fifty bucks from his mom (to go toward a brand new, engraved poker chip set) and his its-about-damn-time prime time air shift on Z-92. i was flipping stations on the way home from work, and sean, you sounded great man :) i hope they give you more opportunities in the future.

*sigh* i hate answering machines/voice mail with a passion. i wait and wait and wait for it to pick up, and then it beeps and i freeze and i forget what i was going to say and i sound like a stuttering doofus who shouldn't be allowed to use a phone in the first place. i have this sort of fear of abandonment....i tend to get REALLY panicky - even worse than the whole bathroom saga. this fear also shows up when i can't get ahold of people and i start to get desperate. like now.

oy, i don't wanna work tomorrow. oh yeah, note to self: call mary from accessories and tell her you can work for her friday night. that is all.

audio post by mike daisey not suitable to listen to at work.

gramatically incorrect!

mi amigo, sean, tiene vientidos anos el domingo!

yo practico mi espanol en la duche!

joy is afoot! for i have finished all of my midterm papers with time to spare, and tonight i am going to party all my stress away! huzzah!

stolen from anti, but damn it. i love this shit.

yes, it has been awhile since i've updated. i've been busy busy busy working on midterms, working at younkers, and working on sleep. i've been sleeping a healthy amount, which seems to much when i have so many other things that need to be done. as it turns out, i am not going to los angeles for spring break. i could still make it work if i had to, but it seems things will just be easier if i stay home. besides, i can pick up some more hours at work and get some more work done on the neverending task of cleaning my room. however, i will need to get all my ya-ya's out at least once after all the stress that i have been through. sean's birthday party is tomorrow night and i am uber-excited. his brother will be in town, and it will be a chance for me to hang out with my friends after i've abandoned them these last couple of weeks. i have to work at 9:45 the next day, so that's going to suck. but sean is my best friend, and i want to be there to celebrate with him. his dad will be in town for a little while after that, and since his dad doesn't care much for me, i will most likely keep my distance until he leaves. staying up late at night studying and writing papers, i decided to download episodes of seinfeld and triumph the insult comic dog. i don't have a tv in my room, but some nights there is just an urge to watch to boob tube and let my brain relax. seth and i have decided to work on our relationship a little more. we got in an argument the other night, so there are still some kinks to work out. not that a couple should never fight, but we were both stressed out, so it was just not good timing. i could say more, so much more, but i have a class to get to. then work. bo-ring. email me if you wanna come to the party. out.

happy leap day

so i like sitting around in my bathrobe. i leave my door locked so i can work on my midterms in peace. why don't they get that? i want to go to LA, but even if my dad said yes, i don't think i could have the worry of bad midterm grades hanging over my head. so please, when i ask you to leave me alone, do it. thanks.

p.s. work sucked.

i just found out the hard way why they make different kinds of nair products....OWW!!!

work was hellish. we had major sales plus a bajillion coupons and oy, it was just stressful. my nine-hour shift was nine hours too long. but monies is monies and that's all we care about. hmm, and hot boys.

petition

send lisa to california. sign up in the comment box.

(donations to pay off phone bill accepted via paypal)

my hero

randy milholland of something positive.

i was perusing the ubercon site, and after looking through pictures i came to one simple conclusion. gamers are geeks! funny as hell, but nerdy as shit. read the webcomic. you'll pee your pants. that is, if you're not some overly sensitive, easily offended pussy. but you wouldn't be if you were reading my site, would you? now get outta here.

do you ever like watching other people get pampered, like "a makeover story" on tlc? yeah, me too. mostly because you can learn a lot of good tips to use for yourself. i gave myself a mini-pampering today. i can't really afford a haircut anymore, so i tried trimming it myself. i really want to go to LA for spring break, and i want to make sure i look fantabulous if i do. seth offered to pay for everything - he just misses me so much. and i miss him, too. the hardest part is finding an ideal time to approach my father with the question of whether or not i can go. the sooner we buy the plane ticket, the cheaper it will be. i may be 18, but i don't want to go without his permission. i don't want to disappear for a week and not let him know where i'm at. going out on the town for a night is a different story. if i went out of town i'd be calling home every day to check in. i've traveled without my family a few times before, but never on my own. i think boarding the plane on my own would give me a renewed sense of independence. i miss seth very much, and this is a great opportunity for me to "find myself." spring break - i need a break from my life. i don't want to be stuck at home, wallowing in my room as i do on a day-to-day basis. i want to go out and enjoy life. i want to go out to dinner and go to the beach and go to the pier. i absolutely love california, and i'm dying to go back. just for a little while. i want to spend time in a warmer atmosphere! this dreary weather is certainly not helping my depression any. spring break is right after midterms, and i think taking a trip would relieve a great deal of tension. i don't want to go to cancun and get wasted every day. that's not a vacation, it's a week-long party. i want to be able to go to the beach with the most special person in the world and relax in the sun and sip a fruit smoothie and enjoy the serene view of waves rolling up to shore. i didn't get to spend much time at the beach on my last visit. oh, i want to go back so bad! can anyone think of a good way to ask my dad for permission? i need all the help i can get.

i remember what i wanted to say the other day. after some personal research, i've decided that i want to become a therapist. maybe for depression or sex or relationships or just any old advice. i've only gotten a really gushy feeling my heart after finding out that my advice worked for someone. i admire dr. drew for answering people's questions about their bodies and physical activities. i enjoy educating others. i enjoy listening and advising. the other day my good friend jon told me that one of heroes was david sedaris. it made me smile knowing that i had introduced jon to sedaris' writings. hero is a strong word. i dunno, it just made me feel good. a great deal of my friends always come to me with various questions, looking for answers. i like being able to help them,.so i've decided that that is what i want to do with my life. now the question is, do i want to by a psych major or go pre-med?

stuff to read if you're bored.

seth brought forth a very intriguing request last night. he wants me to come visit him for spring break. he said he'd pay for my plane ticket, my hotel room.... i wonder if i should take up the offer.

i don't know. i've been really out of it. falling asleep early, waking up late. my cell phone acted as a very reliable alarm clock, but that's gone now. i have to work tonight and tomorow night and i have a paper due on friday. someone help me. i can't concentrate on a damned thing!

i was a starvin marvin after lab today, but i didn't feel like spending money on lunch. someone already gave away my $20 i was saving. so i decided to donate some blood, strictly for the free food of course. [sarcasm] i would never try to help others out of the goodness of my heart. [/sarcasm] it's a very relaxing process. i seem to have become a pro. i fill up the plasma bag pretty quickly because my vein just loves to squirt squirt squirt all over the damn place. i guess giving blood is proof to my dad that i'm not shooting up or having unprotected sex. the nurse lady STRONGLY recommended i go get a new doctor though. a pediatrician is not ideal for pap smears and mammograms. and with my family history, i should have been tested years ago. i saw my good friend candice at the blood drive. she was scared because it was her first time donating. but it's really not so bad. i've only been in pain once, and that was because the lady who stuck me had old, arthritic hands.

i just ran into my good friend rachel here at the creighton library. it's nice to catch up on old times, find out what's been going on since then, etc.

i had something to say, but i keep forgetting what it was. blah.

earlier this morning

i'm really feeling right now....this huge urge to bring somebody down. if i'm going down, somebody has to come with me. i get compared to someone. i'm told that i deserve more grief in my life than this person because they are honest and trustworthy and hardworking. don't give me that crap. if only you know the truth behind the facade. you are ignorant to the situation and i am just aching to enlighten you. but i know that wouldn't be the fine thing to do. it wouldn't be right to extend my own pain and suffering to others. but oh how i want to! it just doesn't seem fair. someone come slap me and tell me the right thing to do because i am just boiling and looking for an easy way out. gah!

[music|coldplay - politik]

"I interviewed a group of women between the ages of sixty-five and seventy-five. These interviews were the most poignant of all, possibly because many of the women had ever had a vagina interview before. Unfortuantely, most of the women in this age group had very little conscious relationship to their vaginas. I felt terribly lucky to have grown up in the feminist era. One woman who was seventy-two had never even seen her vagina. She had only touched herself when she was washing in the shower, but never with conscious intention. She had never had an orgasm. At seventy-two she went into therapy, and with the encouragement of her therapist, she went home one afternoon by herself, lit some candles, took a bath, played some comforting music, and discovered her vagina. She said it took her over an hour, because she was arthritic by then, but when she finally found her clitoris, she said, she cried. This monologue is for her..."
~ Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

i read a few exerpts of the book. it really is quite interesting. ensler brings the word "vagina" out into the open, and i admire her for it. we should not be afraid of them. her play has been produced all over the country, her book sold all over the world. she helps both men and women discover the beauty and uniqueness of female genitalia. i think it is great because there are so many people, especially girls, who have questions that need to be asked. discussing one's sexuality should not be considered tabu (taboo). i remember a girl (who will remain anonymous) who came to me with questions once. she asked me to show her how to use a tampon. i was more than willing to be of assistance. i discovered she did not even know that her urethra was seperate from her vagina. i felt bad that she had not been taught this, and that she was too afraid to go to anyone, even her mother, with such questions. i learned most everything on my own. no one really sat down and taught me anything. i read books, articles, asked doctors and teachers... i think it's a very important aspect of one's education. the proceeds of ensler's play go to various groups and grassroots organizations to fight against the abuse, especially in the case of rape or sexual abuse, against women and young girls. a great cause without a doubt. if anyone knows when the play will be omaha, let me know. i'll be more than happy to accompany you. tomorrow night at school is another one-woman play: "the yellow dress." i saw it in high school. it's about domestic abuse, especially in "romantic" relationships. if one can call a beating romance. afterwards, there is a question and answer session. i recommend anyone in the area to go see it. it's at creighton tomorrow night at 6:00 pm. i'll probably go watch it again. give me a call if you wanna join me.

i love the man with the crooked smile.

i wear my sunglasses on a cloudy day.

i noticed i wore my panties inside out today.

i love cold coffee. but not iced coffee. i love geting a plain jane cup of joe, little bit of milk and sugar, let it sit around for an hour. it's bliss.

i need to have surgery to get my second toe shortened. it is longer than my big toe and sometimes it hurts when i'm in heeled shoes. everything pushes down on it toward the front of the shoe. when i was younger my parents told me that round feet were a sign of ingenuity. still waiting for it to kick in.

[music|blue october - amazing]

Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know
I cut to the punch line baby
Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know

---

anti seems to be feeling pretty lost right now, too. it's sad to hear that he's down, but at least now i know i'm not the only one. my alarm clock never goes off anymore. now i remember why i liked my cell phone. the alarm always went off two inches from my head... seth was supposed to call me this morning to wake me up. yeah, either he didn't or i didn't. but i needed the sleep. my laundry is still sitting in the dryer from two days ago and i got pizza on my pants. i had another nightmare in which i owned lots of shoes and it got me into a bit of trouble. truth is i do own a lot of shoes. and i only wear a couple pairs of them. but i guess it's all directed by the outfit. i'm a lazy bum. i dreamed that i was at my aunt's house and there was a box of candy and mini-bottles of vodka left over from valentine's day. the little white bottles said "broken hearts" in cursive black letters. i tried to steal one when she wasn't looking, but i only wound up with some generic bit o' honey. terrible candy, but i like it. there was a porch swing out back, and i sat on it with a lovely man. i don't know who he was or what he looked like, i just knew i was in love. i woke up with a jump at 8:59 am. coffee and a cigarette and i'm still not calm. i tried smoking something a little more hardcore - camel filters. 27s are trendy and getting boring. my room is halfway clean. i can walk around without tripping or rolling my ankle or falling face first into the corner of my desk. i don't want to go to school today. i'd be content to just sit at home and read a magazine i bought two months ago and maybe clean a little more and take a shower and take a big long nap in front of the tv. sean is sick and had to work at 5:30 this morning. i hope he's feeling better. i was so jealous that i didn't get to go to his poker game. SO jealous. i wanted to sit around and smoke and play cards and hang with "the guys" and be my normal, sociable self. instead i sat in my room and skulked after a long, harsh lecture. i sat alone. i sat with tears in my eyes. i played with my laptop that my dad thinks i am ungrateful for. i admit when i first got it there was no expression of joy on my face. i was confused. he asked me to make him a christmas list, so i presented him with a list of a few things that i needed. like new tennis shoes. mine were more than four years old. then i get something completely different that i viewed as a luxury, not a necessity. so yeah, i wasn't overjoyed because i was confused. but now all i ever seem to do is play on my laptop. i sit on my bed and drink some coffee and type and type and type and i love it. so yes, i'm grateful. very much so. don't think otherwise. i did say thank you. more than once. please don't be mad at me....

to get it out of the way...
i am sick of everyone attacking everyone else. no one knows my dad the way i do. or seth. or sean. or even ME. so quit acting like you do and attacking other peoples' integrity. you're only making things worse. i don't know what anyone can do to help. i guess this is my own deal, and i need to take care of it myself. i'm not totally incapable, ya know. don't attack my dad. he has had just as tough a life as me, even worse in a sense. there is justification for everything he does, no matter how inane it may seem. pointing out his shortcomings will only make him madder, and i really don't like coming home to read hurtful instant messages when all i want to do is lie down and relax. and don't make assumptions about my friends. no one is perfect, and if you can't handle it fine - they're not YOUR friends, they're mine. if they have faults, i have come to accept them. if i know that being around them is gonna get myself killed, or stuck in a bad place, i won't keep them. if i get into trouble, it's my own damned fault. it always is. i can see now that all this anger floating about is my fault, too. so make it stop. you're only making me more sad.

now onto other thoughts, because it's been a long day.
magnolia is without a doubt the most depressing movie i have ever seen. and i didn't even see all of it. it made me feel suicidal in a most unusual way. i'm lucky i didn't get myself into a car accident. the movie was very...effective.
it was a long day at work but the time flew rather quickly. does that make sense? more like a hard day at work. i'll be happy if i never see another prom dress again. or teenage girl fashion in general. $25 for a piece of material that wouldn't even qualify as a handkerchief. i swear to god everyone is a drug dealer. how can they just drop $150 on jeans and a t-shirt? two words: clearance sale. the only way to go. i hate clothes and i hate money.
if a customer makes a racist comment, are you supposed to just chuckle and look away?

i can't think. everyone is coming at me from all sides. i need to escape into sleep....

[music|blue october - balance beam]

1. You gotta take it kinda slowly
2. you gotta hurry up and make your move
3. You gotta tell her that shes pretty
4. You gotta be the perfect gentelman.

When you shake the wall, you gotta make it bend.
You gotta show her that
She's the balance beam
and I keep falling all around her fairy tale.

---

if anyone needs to get ahold of me, please use the contact information found in the sidebar, as i will not have my cell phone for awhile. if you want my home phone number, email me.
i woke up late, my feet are killing me, my clothes aren't dry yet, and i've got a long day of work ahead of me. i'll be home all night if you want to talk. maybe you can give me some ideas for my bio paper.
oh yeah, i got a B on my spanish test, woot! one more step toward keeping that scholarship.

p.s. all this anonimity drives me crazy. i wish i knew who you were.

[music|sublime - what i got]

early in the mornin', rising to the street
light me up that cigarette and I'll strap shoes on my feet
got to find the reason, reason things went wrong
got to find the reason why my money's all gone....

well, life is too short so love the one you got
'cuz you might get run over or ya might get shot

---

i'm not supposed to talk about it....

[music|blue october - independently happy]

feeling very empty right now...
usually it occurs every few months and only lasts a day. just one, tremendously terrible day.
not this time. i'm in a rut of depression and i can't seem to claw my way back out. i want it to stop.
i tried to escape for a little while. i walked into a dark, crowded room. it was too loud to think. i let my body sway as i drowned myself in the music. but it can't last forever.
and no one can help me. they're all lost, too...

i don't get it. if i check my account balance every day, and make sure i spend less than i have, why is it overdrafting me? my dad told me he had to loan me $135 to take care of it? why?? i've been trying so hard not to let this happen again. you think i like messing up and getting yelled at? of course not. but apparently i shouldn't even bother trying, because things will never go right for me no matter what i do...

the blue october concert was awesome. i haven't been to a show for a long time, but this one was well worth the drive to lincoln. i'd have to say they're my favorite band. i got yelled at for spending money on a ticket and driving so far to see them though. honestly it was the only thing that got me through the day yesterday. i took my biology test - i feel like i got maybe a B? there's a pretty big curve, so we'll see. i have a history test tomorrow and then work on saturday. the only thing that was gonna get me through the weekend was sean's poker game saturday night. it was my chance to meet all his friends, including a few dj's from the river. but with my most recent grounding, it looks like that's not gonna happen. i work until about 9:30, and my new curfew is midnight. no way my dad will let me stay out. he always thinks i'm out drinking or getting high or having sex. i just wish there was some way i could prove to him that it's not true. i've always been the person that can have a good time without those things. sure, i've tried them in the past, but it's not like i'm going out and getting messed up every night. we're actually pretty boring, sean and me. we sit around and watch t.v. and once in a while go get something to eat or run errands. but no one ever listens to me or trusts me or believes in me. i'm so sick of trying so hard to do well and still getting chewed out. i go out of my way to study hard and get a new job and help other people out and be generally virtuous. but no one cares. no one sees all the little things that i try so hard to accomplish. they're all selfish and just look at what's in it for them. all i get in return are threats and tears. it makes me feel like i should just quit. but i can't. why? because it wouldn't be "the fine" thing to do.*

*see Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics

dad took me out to lunch yesterday. 'twas nice. best burger i've had in years.
bio test today. suck. i fell asleep last night before i could finish studying. luckily i have a few extra hours today.
blue october concert tonight in lincoln. i leave right after the test. i've been trying to sell my extra ticket all week, but no go.
seth got a new digicam that also works as a webcam. i saw him for the first time in six months last night. it was nice. i miss him. at least he doesn't hate me.
my tummy hurts. i'm always tired and stressed out. smokin' all the time. and there's no clean clothes in the closet... at least, not any pretty ones.
i don't know what else. out.

oh my god. i hate evolution! darwin and his little bug-obsessed minions can kiss my ass. biology is supposed to be about knowing the names of cell parts and knowing what happens when you put a plant in one type of light and another plant in another type of light. why do i need to go through three hours of statistics equations to understand that in genetic drift, directional toward the dominant means that you lose the recessive allele because it was unable to sustain itself in a period of generations? it's so simple when you put it into words. i've never taken statistics before. i worked my ass off in high school to get math credits so i wouldn't have to do this shit anymore! and what pisses me off the most is that our t.a. doesn't know what the hell she's doing and they skip to the next section without finishing the math in the previous one just so we can get out early. not to mention the professor who wrote the lab doesn't explain a damn thing. "hmm, let's just assume that all these freshmen have the same knowledge about biological stats that i do, even though i went through 10+ years of college to get my PhD. watching them squirm in their seats with blank stares on their faces... wouldn't that just be hilarious!?" god damn it! and i have a fucking test tomorrow.

i still need to study for my history test, too, and i can't concentrate on anything. i emailed a lady about getting a job on campus - student fundraising with starting pay at $8 an hour. of course they've finished hiring for the semester! that's why they decided to leave their fliers up all around school. so poor blokes like me could get their hopes up about a new job and then get absolutely crushed when they find out they have to continue to starve for the next month. if you know of anyone that's hiring for more than minimum wage, please let me know.

i talked to seth last night and he got me all confused again. we officially broke things off last week and i cried and cried and cried until i had a two-day headache. then i thought to myself, oh things will get better. you're looking forward to valentine's day where you can start a new, mostly normal relationship with someone you get along with great. but no. he's too mixed up in his own problems to think about you. which is understandable. everyone needs to make sure they can handle themselves before they try and take on someone else. but i'm sick of waiting. i want it now. i want to date sean. i want to date seth. i'm in the same place i was a month ago, and everyone's yelling at me because of it. they're saying "oh yeah? well fuck you!" and making me feel even more awful and i just have no direction anymore. i'm lost. i don't know which path is best for me, and there's no one around to make the choice for me. i can't compare the two because they're completely different people with different characteristics that i want. and i can't combine the two because well, they're human, and technology hasn't evolved that far. although i did hear someting on the radio about having microchips implanted in your wrist so you don't need to use credit cards anymore. i guess it's all the rage over in germany. "scan my arm, please. but be careful, i'm ticklish."

i just don't know. i don't know what i want or who i want or what's going to be on the test or if i'm going to be able to afford gas or food this week or if i will ever get along with my family or if i will every be happy with myself or whether or not i'm going to be successful or end up in some shit hole shooting up just to make the pain stop.... i just don't know, and i can't handle all this fucking pressure!

seth - yes, i love you. i've never loved anymore more in my life. i wanted so badly for us to be together. i dreamed about it every night for years! but i had some doubts. i fell off the road to what i thought was eternal happiness and messed things up. i rolled into a ditch where i discovered a scenic trail that leads off through the woods into a beautiful meadow. and i can't decide if i want to stay there or go back. there are many bumps on your road, and there are many briar patches in that meadow. so which is worse? or rather, which one do i like better? one day i want to go one way, and the next day i want the other. this is so fucking hard on me that i'm letting the rest of my life fall apart. i can't concentrate on anything for more than five minutes. i'm restless. i can't sit still. there is nothing out there that can satisfy me right now. nothing sounds appealing. i don't want to go to work or school or take a shower or go to sleep or eat out with my friends or anything! gah, i can't take this anymore. i gotta get out of here....

why this has the been the worst week ever:
- i broke up with the one person i love most in the world and now he's not moving here and i don't know if i'll ever see him again
- my valentine's date stood me up because his grandma had a heart attack and it pains me to see him overwhelmed with grief
- i told my best friend that i loved him and he couldn't say it back
- i have a test in each of my hardest classes and i worry about losing my scholarship
- i just got fired from the dentist office and my second job doesn't have enough available hours to make up for it
- i could have been looking for a new job a month ago, and i wouldn't be as broke as i am
- my dad blames all his worries on me and now he's forcing me to censor my blog again because i embarass him

my face is all sticky. can't i be allowed to go just one day without crying?? and why is that when i need someone to talk to, no one is ever there? i need support, too. answer your phones, damn it. bwaaaahhhh....

as it turns out, i didn't get stood up. well, not quite.

sean visited his grandma in the hospital for the first time after her heart attack last night. when he saw her lying there so weak, it was like nothing else mattered. i understand wanting to be there for her, i just wish he would have called to let me know not to wait around in the living room all night. i called him at his home, in tears, asking why he wasn't here when he was supposed to be. it felt just like the time seth stood me up for spring break. awful. sean finally came over around 10:30 pm (damnit! i could have been working on my philosophy paper!). last night was the first time i've ever seen him cry. he's really worried about his grandmother, and he was pretty down all night. we went and saw "the animation show" at the dundee. afterwards we sat in "our booth" at IHOP and split an omelette. it was definitely not the special night i had hoped for. last night was also supposed to be the official first date, thus making us a couple with an anniversary on valentine's day. sean's so mixed up over his grandma right now, he didn't even want to think about us. so, with a sigh of disappointment, i accepted it. "it can wait, i guess." i just want to be there for him, give him the support he needs in this time of grief. seth's grandma passed away just recently, and i couldn't be there for him like i wanted. he got so mixed up in the whole situation he dropped out of school. it's hard to be comforting when you're so far away, but i tried my best. sean once told me his grandma was "like a rock" (ford commercial?) i hope she gets better soon. i hate seeing him like this.

i got stood up on valentine's day....
not even a phone call. i can't believe i ruined the best relationship of my life for this.

all dressed up
nowhere to go
tears stream down my face

i'm hungry.

GO HERE.

there's something very pleasant about waking up in someone's arms. no sex, just sleep. it's warm and cuddly, however it still doesn't ward off nightmares. sad. i made an appearance at a frat party last night, but it was shady and i high-tailed it out of there before any cops came. i don't need to deal with that shit. i just really needed some plain'n'simple social interaction with all the shit that's been going on lately. it was really nice to see a lot of my friends outside of school. i'm off-campus, so i don't get to have the same bond with them as their roommates and dormmates, etc. today is valentine's day and i still haven't made any dinner reservations. i have to work all morning, so hopefully i can find something before i head out. it's the big night where sean and i find out if we're meant to date each other or to stay friends. i'll be happy either way, because i know that idf things don't work out, we'll still be the best of friends. i talked to seth last night, and we were sort of mean to each other. i feel bad about it. i think it came from our hatred of the situation, not each other. things didn't work out like we had planned, and it's very saddening. i just hope we can find a way to keep any kind of relationship alive. he's probably the most important person in the world to me, and i know i couldn't last forever without him. i hope he'll forgive me and continue being my friend, at least for now. um....i don't know what else. out.

i lied ~ i do like radiohead...

Creep

When you were here before,
couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
you're so fucking special.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?.
I don't belong here

She's running out the door,
she's running,
she run, run, run, run, run.

Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special,

but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here.